The Last Witch Hunter, 2015.
Directed by Breck Eisner.
Starring Vin Diesel, Rose Leslie, Elijah Wood, Olafur Darri Olafsson, Julie Engelbrecht, and Michael Caine.
SYNOPSIS:
The last witch hunter is all that stands between humanity and the combined forces of the most horrifying witches in history.
The Last Witch Hunter might be the worst video game adaptation not actually based on a video game. That’s essentially what the Vin Diesel witch hunting vehicle is; a whole bunch of video game and action fantasy clichés rounded up into one incoherent exercise in frustration.
You also know The Last Witch Hunter is going to be terrible when one of the first images shown is a 14th century Viking Vin Diesel (complete with an absurd beard and mohawk wrapped in a ponytail) marching from a snowfield into a cave to battle the Witch Queen (man, the writers of Priest and Dracula Untold busted out the big guns when writing this creative masterpiece). Naturally, he wins but is also given the curse of immortality.
And so we pick up the story 800 years later (thankfully with Vin Diesel sporting his usual bald appearance) as he is searching for ancient artifacts. However, these artifacts never actually get followed up on because all in a matter of 15 minutes, his Dolan (handlers that assist him in doing witch hunting stuff, or something, I have no freaking idea) goes from contemplating retirement to getting murdered overnight.
This means it’s up to the new, 37th Dolan (Elijah Wood) to take up the mantle; you see, as a child his parents were murdered by witches and good ol’ Vin saved him from meeting the same fate. While I enjoy Elijah Wood and feel he is one of the more bright spots of The Last Witch Hunter, portraying a good-intended young man simply in over his head, this also means that Michael Caine gets about 10 minutes of screen-time factoring in his quick demise. Hey, he’s apparently an Oscar contender for Youth which will be released later this year, so I will let taking this easy paycheck slide.
Anyway, what follows is Vin Diesel running around looking for clues, as Michael Caine leaves him a hint before dying, essentially saying he must revisit the moment where he was unwillingly granted immortality, to find the answers as to why he was killed. My question is, does anyone really have to ask what is going on in this predictable cacophony of nonsense? If you haven’t guessed, someone wants to bring back the lazily named Witch Queen so she can bring about another bubonic plague.
This leads Vin to a magical bar where he can buy a memory potion, which is also where he comes into contact with the film’s love interest subplot character Chloe, the tavern’s reluctant to help manager that eventually gives in once she realizes the gravity of the impending danger and that she can use some defense.
If it sounds like I summarized quite a fair chunk of the plot. It’s because a large part of this movie is simply chunks of exposition being spouted off in multiple directions. The problem is that none of what is here is very interesting outside of the visual design, but even that is hit or miss. Some of the CGI is completely terrible with some of the monsters looking like rejected boss ideas from a Resident Evil game, while numerous environments such as the gothic looking Witch Council room or highly lucid ventures into Vin’s memory admittedly impress. Furthermore, despite her stupid name, the Witch Queen is very decrepit looking with some serviceable voice work.
As basic as the narrative is, it also needs to be mentioned that a fair amount of The Last Witch Hunter is beyond incomprehensible. For example, there is a blind baker who is seemingly important and capable of using magic, but none of it is ever explained or comes to fruition. There is a point in the movie where Vin asks Elijah Wood if he understood what just happened in a scene, to which he naturally replies no, which is coincidentally how most viewers will feel watching this movie. It’s not entertaining though, just frustrating, coming across as the filmmakers not even sure themselves what they were doing.
The action is also entirely forgettable and basic; it’s just Vin running around with your basic shotguns and swords, diving through creatures in slow-motion blowing them apart. There is also a completely unintentionally hilarious moment where he charges at the Witch Queen with his silver sword, spinning it around with his hands for a good five seconds before actually swinging. Most surprising and disappointing though, the movie has very little action at all. It’s more of an investigation into a mysterious death while Vin races against time to locate what he needs that resides deep within his memory.
The plot then takes a bunch of predictable turns before concluding with a finale that falls flat. Again, the final fight feels like a rejected concept for a final boss to a fantasy video game. I will give The Last Witch Hunter a slight bit of credit for being occasionally visually splendid to look at (there is a scene were Vin tosses a vial up into the air and slices it with his sword, revealing it to be a fire potion as his sword sets ablaze), but everything here comes on too strong and leaves no room to tell a coherent, formulaic plot with strong execution and memorable battle choreography.
Flickering Myth Rating – Film: ★ / Movie: ★ ★
Robert Kojder – An aficionado of film, wrestling, and gaming. Follow me on Twitter or friend me on Facebook
https://www.youtube.com/watch?list=PL18yMRIfoszEaHYNDTy5C-cH9Oa2gN5ng&v=m8ExzVWul3I
