Battle of the Bastards
Written by: David Benioff and D. B. Weiss
Directed by: Miguel Sapochnik
In our penultimate episode of the season we roll out the expected big battle and by the Gods it was a sheer brutal affair, not just on the fields of Winterfell, but within the seas of Meereen as Princess Stampyfeet shows us why she is the true Mother of Dragons – and also the daughter of the Mad King – laying waste to the Masters’ vessels in a wash of flame. This week’s Game of Thrones is certainly not for those who a) like horses or b) have a weak stomach.
The Siege of Meereen
With Tyrion clearly unsettled by numerous volleys of burning death being flung at them, he rapidly explains to Daenerys the decisions he’s had to make whilst she’s been at the wrong end of a rope for the past few weeks, as well as reminding her about the downfall of her own father. With our future Queen of Westeros well aware of the ace tucked away in her clothing, she begins to play her hand by calling the Masters to a meeting to discuss a surrender; the Masters’ surrender, not the team with the Dragons. When the Masters insult Daenerys by calling for the return of the Unsullied and demanding her to leave, the black dragon – Drogon – swoops down. Iur Queen mounts him before taking to the skies to be joined by the other two dragons, laying a fiery hell to a cluster of the ships, before the others are left empty in the water for Daenerys to make a claim to. Within Meereen the Golden Harpies who are in the process of butchering numerous people hear thunder in the distance then it soon becomes clear that the thunder is actually a few thousand horse riders of the Dothraki Army coming to the aid of Daenerys.
After this devastating attack Tyrion informs the Masters that one of them must now die, to which two men push forward the man in the middle, forcing him to his knees. As Grey Worm steps forward to kill the man in one easy swipe he scores a double-kill with the two betrayers at the back. Tyrion steps forward to the Master currently in shock, knelt in front of them all, informing him to tell all of his people what happened here today.
Later in the pyramid once the battle is quiet and all is settled we see that Theon and Yara have arrived at Meereen; with the promise of ships in return for placing Yara on the Throne in the Iron Islands, a deal is struck between these two women of power.
The Battle of Winterfell
The bloodiest battle we’ve seen in the whole of Game of Thrones begins on a cold day with a couple of bastards trading words, nothing more. Ramsay Bolton repeatedly pushes all the right buttons to agitate the Starks from greeting his wife, to bringing up the fact they have their brother Rickon Stark and dumping his Direwolfs head in front of them. Albeit Jon Snow attempted to retaliate with a few carefully chosen words, he in truth could not outdo the malevolence of the Bolton Bastard (though secretly Ramsay knew this battle fated badly in his favour when he caught a glimpse of Lady Lyanna Mormont waiting patiently at the back). With the words over the battle was set for the morning.
Strategies and battle plans were made in a makeshift camp on the outskirts of Winterfell, using stones on a crude map, and this clearly wasn’t going to be easy – especially as the Wildings aren’t overly accustomed to fancy words for military manoeuvres. Yet with a plan laid out for this limited army the men retire for the night, leaving Jon Snow now at the mercy of Sansa who is furious at him, for as she rightly informs him has first-hand knowledge of how Ramsay’s mind works, how the people around him behave and what he will do to make people react. Jon turns to Rickon and Sansa – just like the Blackfish (when discussing Lord Edmure being marked for death the week before) -brutally highlights that Rickon is in truth already dead. As Ser Davos walks amongst the camp he comes across two long-dead fire mounds and in it the wooden stag he gave Shireen; it then occurs to him what truly happened to the young girl.
As the morning comes the troops of Jon Snow’s rag-tag army line-up, abd what they lack in numbers, armour and well-crafted weaponry, the clearly make up for in courage. Looking over to Winterfell however and we see the Boltons’ army in their thousands, Archers, Cavalry and Pikemen all at Ramsay’s disposal. The first weapon used is Rickon Stark, as Ramsay cuts him free and tells him to run, before firing arrows at him. Jon rides out and just as he goes to grab Rickon’s arm, an arrow perfectly pierces Rickon’s heart from behind, killing him instantly. Jon full of rage charges at the Bolton army before a volley of arrows cuts down his horse; as he stands in the field sword drawn, with the cavalry charging at him, all seems lost until from behind his army slams into the Bolton’s at full-force.
The battle rages, blood, limbs and dirt fly in all directions, arrows are fired from Bolton’s archers with not a care if they hit Snow’s forces or his own. After a mass of bodies becomes a mound, Ser Davos commands the remaining forces to join the fight, and Bolton sends in his Pikemen and they surround Snows army, beginning to execute them in waves. As Jon’s army panics they trample over him, suffocating him in the process, however in the final moments a horn is heard in the distance and the blue and white flag of House Arryn – with Littlefinger and Sansa watching on – rides across the hill towards the Bolton army, completely destroying them. Ramsay – with two guards – make haste for castle, with Jon, Wun Wun and Tormund following close behind.
Within the castle, Ramsay hopes for a siege due to the fact he’s now within the walls, though thanks to the fists of Wun Wun they rapidly enter the castle gates. However under fire from dozens of arrows – plus one through the eye from Ramsay – Wun Wun the giant is slain. Ramsay releases a volley of arrows at Jon, who grabs a shield and strides towards him, eventually beating him to the floor, punching him bloody then finally unconscious. When he comes around Sansa is in front of him – she tells him that nobody will remember him or his words, and with that she allows his very hungry hounds in to viciously devour him, starting with his face.
This has to be one of the most brutal episodes seen! We always expect a battle scene to arrive, but I don’t think anyone expected this. To see the bodies build up into a small flesh hill like was stomach churning and to watch Jon begin to suffocate was even more horrific. Turning away from the bloody battle scene to finally see the Mother of Dragons become a force to be reckoned with was something we’ve all wanted for some time; laying to waste of the Masters siege was short and sharp, hopefully come Season 7 we’ll see what she has planned for the rest of Westeros.
One thing that is very interesting is that the people in Westeros have now all discovered a fast travel system, from Littlefinger and the Vale army to the Greyjoy Fleet to Meereen, perhaps loose ends need tying up quickly to get to the final episode. Still I can’t let these tiny things distract me from what was a brilliant piece of television.
RATING: 9/10
SEXINESS TALLY:
Unless your thing is impaling horses then… (wait we better not go there really).
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