10 years since Arnold made his full return to acting after a stint as Governor of California, we rank his major projects from worst to best…
In the 80s and 90s at the height of video store popularity, I was but a youth watching films that I wasn’t supposed to be watching. I lapped up all manner of classic grown-up genre cinema like Aliens, Die Hard, Rambo and Kickboxer. Stallone, Van Damme, Lundgren and Cynthia Rothrock were my bag baby, and so too was the Austrian Oak himself, Arnold Schwarzenegger.
When it comes to the action stars, no one had a better peak period of consistently great work quite like Arnold did. The first two Terminator films are stone-cold classics, and the first in particular is a nightmarish masterpiece. Total Recall is also insanely great, as are Predator, Commando, Conan the Barbarian and more. Even the so-called middling Schwarzenegger joints like The Running Man and Red Heat were way above the average that many of his contemporaries were putting out, whilst Arnie’s non-action experiments are largely very entertaining, particularly Twins, Kindergarten Cop and the vastly underrated Last Action Hero. In time too, Jingle All the Way has gone from being a total embarrassment to becoming a Christmas staple for many.
Arnie was the man, but then the late 90s/early noughties came, coinciding with advancing years and a disappointing trio of End of Days (although I love it), The Sixth Day and Collateral Damage. Arnie’s career was on the ropes and he had no choice but to revisit the Terminator franchise with Rise of the Machines. It’s aggressively okay, with a bit too much cheesy humour. Arnie then took a decade’s hiatus between star vehicles, with the occasional walk-on role to remind people he was a movie star before being a Governor.
His long-awaited return, now perhaps coming to an age where his typically indestructible and heroic roles probably look silly as a 60 (then 70) year old, could have seen a shift to character work, but for the most part, didn’t. So let’s look at and rank Arnie’s headlining roles since coming back to action.
9- Killing Gunther
A quirky hitman comedy with Arnold as the world’s best assassin being hunted by his rivals had masses of potential. Arnie’s larger-than-life persona would have been perfect, but whilst Last Action Hero suitably lampooned his image, Killing Gunther falls flat persistently, and the mockumentary infusions feel outdated too.
The biggest drawback is how cheap the whole thing feels, and until 2017, Arnie though already irrelevant as a big screen pull, had avoided starring in DTV movie of the week type fare. This however felt very much like a production line video premiere with few laughs, uninspiring action and Arnie looking decidedly awkward. It’s the norm in straight-to-video star vehicles of course, but the artwork also oversells just how prominent Arnold is in the film. However, writer/director/star Taran Killam deserves kudos for pulling together a Schwarzenegger vehicle. Though I suspect Arnold’s fee probably left about the price of a Tesla left to shoot the film.
8 – Aftermath
Arnold’s other 2017 release also felt decidedly like the kind of film which a decade prior you’d never conceive him staring in. From aesthetics to the partially factual story, this feels like a TV movie of the week. Those of course can be very good, but unfortunately, this never seems to sit comfortably with Arnold in the role of an everyman struck by a tragic event after human error leads to the plane carrying his family, crashing into another.
Although Arnold gives a solid enough performance, his own particular gravitas has been reigned in so much and the characterisation of Roman is pretty weak. The film undoubtedly takes dramatic license on the real-life events, but ultimately nowhere near enough for a film which feels largely uneventful. Everything peters out unfortunately, making this one capably put together and solidly acted but totally forgettable.
7 – Terminator: Genisys
There’s a legitimate argument that this could well be Ahnuld’s worst of the post-Governership era. It’s unquestionably more of a criminal failure given the amount of money splurged on it and the legacy it is following but in the end, there’s just about enough goofy spectacle and comically bad moments to see this one through if you watch inebriated.
If you disconnect your Terminator fan head, it certainly starts at a good pace, paying some reverence to the first film by reconstructing several sequences and placing Sarah Connor and an older Arnold model into the first Terminator. The big issues being that Emilia Clarke whilst totally watchable elsewhere, is awfully miscast here (and not aided by the script), and Jai Courtney is sorely lacking in the magnetic charisma of Michael Biehn. Then there’s the ageing Arnold. He’d been treated as a caricature and glorified Cyborg stand-up comedian in Terminator 3, but this one doubles down. If you thought Elton John sunglasses and a Terminator saying “talk to da hand” were cringe in T3, this one really takes the cake.
Generally, this is a modern blockbuster issue too, but T-Gen is front-loaded with all its “best” stuff and really has no idea where to go. It gets progressively worse and the studio knew from the off. Their marketing campaign which included giving away key plot twists in their second round of trailers, showed how desperate they were to salvage any interest. It didn’t work. But at least that ended the attempts at continuing a dead franchise…right? Right!?
6 – Sabotage
I’m often left scratching my head when people complain about displays of toxic masculinity in films when there’s really negligible issue. However, there can be no mistake with Sabotage which features an array of grotesquely unlikeable characters that spout awful dialogue. David Ayer effectively cranks himself up to 11 and the results are like being clockwork orange’d into watching a frat boys pledge session on a live stream. It’s ludicrously brash and though set pieces have a bit of efficiency and (not unappreciated) meat and potatoes simplicity, there’s nothing that excites that much.
The major issue really, is these characters are, Sam Worthington aside (who is actually very good), totally irredeemable. A tacked-on “heroic” finale for Arnold’s character doesn’t fit and feels like a copout given his roguishness for most of the picture, although it’s still Arnie blitzing a bar of bullet fodder whilst wearing a stetson.
5 – Terminator: Dark Fate
The last (at the moment) Terminator film was greeted with generously average reviews although it was usually damned with faint praise for being “better than T-Gen.” On that front, it is, although maybe its lack of anything offensively bad makes it inherently less interesting. Linda Hamilton returns and brings her A-game, but isn’t gifted with a script that has cohesion between James Cameron and Tim Miller who both had divergent ideas. She starts off well enough as the ageing and world-weary Sarah Connor but the film never quite knows what to do with her. The rest of the cast is okay, but rebooting in a new timeline and introducing a new saviour on a rehash of Terminator 2 doesn’t work.
The biggest problem really is how redundant Arnie feels. He’s introduced at the middle point when the film has to veer off a lithe and efficient course to get to him, and then he slows things down from then on. It’s also bewildering some of the elements added to this new iteration of the T-800. He’s now a family man and he makes sure to tell the perplexed Connor that his relationship isn’t physical (no shit). Dark Fate is never confident in any ideas which steer us away from repeating T2, whilst it never really does a good job of living up to the blueprint it wants to follow.
4 – FUBAR
Of all Arnold’s starring roles, this is by far the most recent. Fubar has a lot of issues. It’s a flimsy concept that wants to coast on Arnold’s persona and doesn’t have a great deal of interest in writing compelling plotlines or humourous gags. Instead, it opts for sub-par family conflicts, lazy toilet humour and a constant need for characters to address any of their actions which might be considered “anti-woke.” There’s the jockish handsome agent who is a lady’s man that jokes about getting it, who has to then plead forgiveness for his jokes within 30 seconds.
Though there is some leverage in the main father-and-daughter relationship between Arnie and Monica Barbaro, it never threatens to make Fubar anything more than something passable to watch. Then there are all the secondary characters who almost entirely, are annoying. There is hope though, and it lies in Arnie. Yeah, some of the dated Judd Apatow on a bad day humour doesn’t suit him, but this certainly does a solid enough job playing to Arnold’s own particular brand of star power. He’s likeable and it’s good to see him enjoying himself in a series that’s easy to power through.
3 – Maggie
This film could have set a tone and a precedent for a new stage in Arnold’s career. Maggie is so very close to being a very good film. What it is, is a great short film spread a little too thin. Arnold goes everyman and the filmmakers actively avoid making him do anything too ‘Arnie.’ That both benefits this in the stronger moments but is to the detriment of a film that ambles through a third act before drifting to a close.
It’s a shame because Arnie gives one of his best performances as the ranch-owning father of a girl who contracts a zombie virus and is slowly turning. This almost plays out like a pre-vis or rehearsal of something better (like The Last of Us). Abigail Breslin is also very good and this stark indie film looks beautiful at times with shots Terrence Malick would be proud of. It carries the hallmarks of an A24 film and in truth, it’d be great to see Arnold given a chance in something from the increasingly mainstream indie company.
You can really see what Henry Hobson (director) and John Scott 3 (writer) were going for, but it needed some bigger payoff and in truth, Arnold getting an Unforgiven-inspired finale may have helped stick the landing better. Undoubtedly though, I’d love to see Schwarzenegger try his hand with something of this slow-burning, melancholic nature again. Ultimately though, where zombies are involved some form of genre spectacle is unavoidable.
Escape Plan
This might be middle of the road and suffer the usual pitfalls of prison set action films, but Escape Plan more successfully nailed its concept than the Expendables franchise. It also felt like an Arnold and Sly teammate that more adequately placed them together and had them match each other. Escape Plan certainly benefits from the solid direction by Mikael Hafstrom, the chemistry between Stallone and Schwarzenegger and a great villainous turn by Jim Cavezial.
It is Arnold in fact, who gets the better role and he outshines Stallone here. This one did spawn a couple of poor sequels more intent on exploiting a lucrative Chinese market (and Escape Plan 2 and 3 both seemed to have a good theatrical run in China too) but the first one is the only one which is watchable. Fans of films like Death Warrant and Fortress will undoubtedly dig this one. It’s a perfect comfort food watch that definitely feels like a good video store pick from the early 90s, albeit back in those days would never have a combination as impressive as Stallone and Schwarzenegger. Still, going to see this on the big screen did feel like an event. Sadly though, an event only my brother and I attended.
The Last Stand
Though this one travels a very (very) well-worn path and doesn’t quite fully unleash the talents of its director (Kim Jee-woon), it actually had the best blending of age-appropriate role, badassness, humour and humility for Arnold to have played in this era. An ageing Sheriff is all that stands between a ruthless criminal and his way to freedom.
Though Jee-woon can’t fully unleash his stylistic pazazz, he definitely injects this with enough to elevate the material and prove to be by far the most assured director Arnie has worked with since Jim Cameron. The Last Stand is rock solid and pretty underrated. It’s a cool little Walking Tall-type film that had the perfect way to embrace Arnie’s advancing years.
I’ve never understood why this old-school romp with great darkly comic violence and decent set pieces (with glorious reliance on practical FX) isn’t held in higher regard by Arnold fans. It’s so much fun, it’s funny and it builds to a cracking finale. In fact, I’d go as far as to say it’s one of the most enjoyable old-school action films of the last decade.
How do you rank Arnie’s starring roles in the past decade? Let us know on our social channels @FlickeringMyth…
Tom Jolliffe is an award winning screenwriter and passionate cinephile. He has a number of films out around the world, including When Darkness Falls and Renegades (Lee Majors and Danny Trejo) and more coming soon including War of The Worlds: The Attack (Vincent Regan) and The Baby in the Basket. Find more info at the best personal site you’ll ever see here.
