In which Gerry Hayes makes Bob Cratchett type up his latest filmy polemic while he amuses himself kicking Tiny Tim’s crutch from under him. Filthy urchin.
Something a little different this week. Given it’s the season to be jolly and all, I’ve decided I could be considerably more jolly by not doing much work for this. Instead, I’m going to sit back and get into practice for the Christmas period by drinking lots of beer and shouting at my family.
In the place of my usual, well-considered, studiously-researched and carefully crafted criticism of a film I had the misfortune of sitting through, I am instead going to share my top six Christmas films that I will never, never watch based solely on the cover of the DVD.
I know what you’re thinking – this is just a way of filling a column in the easiest possible way, thinly veiled as a seasonal top-ten, er… six. Yes, six. I know it’s arbitrary – I’m unpredictable. It’s one of my many charms.
The thing is, I can get away with this sort of thing as, let’s face it, I’m not really providing a service here, am I? I just turn up and whinge and complain about films in the hope of inspiring some sort of amused empathy or – preferably – abject rage in my readers.
So then, come and humorously empathise or get angry as we count down…
Gerry’s Great Big Christmas Top Six Films That He’ll Never Watch Based On Their DVD Covers (And Maybe The Actors In Them) Of The Year 2009 List.
Number 6: Surviving Christmas
Haaaaaaaaaaaa! Look at the cover! Haaaaaaa! It’s hysterical. Look at how funny it is. Look. It’s a big Christmas present. Haaaaaa! And it’s flattened that bloke – probably Ben Affleck (or more probably, his stunt-feet). Oh Christ, my sides, my sides! Call a surgeon to sew up my sides before my crap-filled intestines plop out onto the floor and leave me writhing in deliciously hilarious agony as I contemplate the big present flattening Maybe-Ben. Haaaaaaa!
Number 5: Jingle All The Way
How can I not have seen this? Consider yourselves thanked, you lucky, lucky stars. The cover tells you all you need to know. Arnold will blunder about with an utter dearth of comedic talent and will attempt to compensate by gurning and grunting while getting into ‘predicaments’. Also, Hayes’ Law #235 states that any film that puts the quotes “NON-STOP FUN” on its DVD cover will prove that the word ‘STOP’ is superfluous.
Number 4: Fred Claus
Remember when Vince Vaughn was in Swingers? That was good, wasn’t it? If I were you, I’d just go watch that.
Remember when Paul Giamatti was in Sideways? That was good, wasn’t it? If I were you – well, you know.
Number 3: A Christmas Story
GAH! What the…! Why film a heart-warming Christmas story in the Village Of The Damned. Sure, that kid might have an all-American haircut and the sort of glasses that get him beaten-up every time he leaves the house but look at the eyes. Look at the evil. What demonic force lurks behind those eyes? Not getting this one as it looks too damn creepy.
Number 2: Christmas With The Kranks
Well, it’s got an awful, awful, title. And, it’s got that dreadful ‘No, ho, ho’ tag line. It’s got Jamie Lee Curtis attempting to look all wholesome and decent but we all just remember when she got her boobies out in Trading Places. It’s got a bloke hanging upside-down, wrapped comically in Christmas lights on the cover. It’s got an annoying premise: couple forced to ‘celebrate’ Christmas by their neighbours (who obviously need to be shouted and sworn at). As well as all of these things, it suffers from having Tim Allen. Allen, the Christmas-Movie-Guy. Allen, the charmless, gormless and annoying Christmas moron. Oh, no you don’t, Tim Allen; get thee behind me.
Number 1: Love Actually
Top of the heap or bottom of the barrel – whatever way you want to look at it – Love Actually. Even the title makes me wince disgustedly. The only thing, known to humankind, more mawkishly saccharine and nauseatingly sentimental than a Richard Curtis rom-com is a Richard Curtis rom-com set at Christmas. Even the DVD box has a red ribbon, prettily tying up the usual, Curtis suspects. Get ready to board the slow-moving roller-coaster for a cloying ride through some sort of mushy slush made from the tears of cheese. Just thinking about Love Actually makes me want to vomit my liver up before writing “Richard Curtis is Satan” on the wall with my own bile.
Hmmm. Looks like egg-nog.
Read more I Sat Through That? right here.
Gerry Hayes is a garret-dwelling writer subsisting on tea, beer and Flame-Grilled Steak flavour McCoy’s crisps. You can read about other stuff he doesn’t like on his blog at http://stareintospace.com or you can have easy, bite-sized bits of him at http://twitter.com/gerryhayes
