Anghus Houvouras on spoiler nazis…
Ironic Sub-Headline: This post contains spoilers.
Spoiler Nazi – noun
1. A demanding person or persons who employ fascist tactics via social media in an attempt to quiet potential spoilers for movies or television shows they have yet to see.
2. Spoiled, entitled assholes
Spoilers. It’s almost impossible for film fans to avoid them on the internet. Where every potential spoiler, fan theory, and rumor is aggregated and distributed to every online outlet available. They’re in your Facebook timeline and on your Twitter feed. They make the front page of Reddit with marked regularity.
The internet is a minefield of potential spoilers. Where major details about your favorite movie or TV show are just a click or a scroll away. Lying in wait, sandwiched between some innocuous links or ramblings. One moment you’re reading someone’s thoughts about Politics or looking at pictures of someone’s dinner, and BAM: There it is: A post about an action figure someone bought in Australia that gives away a major plot point for Star Wars Episode VII.
It’s over. Your childlike, pristine, unspoiled state is ruined and you’ll never get it back. The entire movie is now ruined because you know too much. In order to prevent such tragedies, you jump online and write an impassioned plea declaring “PLEASE DON’T SPOIL STAR WARS EP VII” or “PLEASE BE CONSIDERATE FOR THOSE OF US WHO WON’T SEE THE FORCE AWAKENS OPENING WEEKEND”.
Congratulations: you’re a Spoiler Nazi.
If you have ever made a post declaring your intent to see the new Star Wars film ‘Spoiler Free’, you’re not a Spoiler Nazi. Though you are ridiculously naive. There is a palpable level of irony involved with the fact that you are using spoiler filled social media to declare your intent to avoid spoilers. No, Spoiler Nazis are a unique breed. They’re not the ones who just want to go into The Force Awakens ‘Spoiler Free’. They’re the ones demanding others to help keep the internet spoiler free after Episode VII drops later this week. The ones who would use a Darth Vader force choke to crush your windpipe if you dared to utter any pivotal scene from The Force Awakens or slice your hands off Mace Windu style if you tried to post anything about the plot online.
Like this post I saw this morning on Reddit:
Apparently even the people who work at the movie theaters are freaking out about potential spoilers, pleading for a modicum of self-control with leaking spoilers about the plot online.
Spoiler Alert: That’s not going to happen.
Within hours after Star Wars: The Force Awakens drops, the internet will be brimming with spoilers. People have been waiting a decade for a new Star Wars movie and over 30 years for a decent Star Wars movie. They’re going to be bursting at the seam to talk about what they’ve just seen. Do you really think that hundreds of millions of people are going to remain silent?
For everyone out there paranoid about trying to remain ‘spoiler free’ about The Force Awakens: It’s impossible to go into a movie ‘spoiler free’. If you’ve seen a trailer, commercial, or a magazine article you’ve been spoiled. You know the basic plot, the major characters, and who from the original trilogy is returning. You know the new heroes and the new villains. Based on the poster you know there’s probably a new Death Star. Based on the approved marketing materials from Disney, you can probably figure out the basic structure of the entire movie. If you’ve watched the international trailers, you’ve probably figured out a lot more. If you’ve watched none of it: fantastic. There are those film fans who avoid temptation to try and make their cinematic experience something magical and child like. And yes, that is incredibly sad statement when applied to anyone other than children.
I spend so much time talking discussing movies like The Force Awakens that I feel almost immune to spoilers. The die-hard Star Wars fans have been dissecting what we’ve seen and coming up with all sorts of weird, wild,and wonderful theories. I’m looking forward to seeing The Force Awakens just to find out if any of us were right (by the way, my money is still on Luke Skywalker being a Sith Lord). And a vast majority of these Spoiler Nazis are the ones who want to talk about the film at great length, then want the internet to go radio silent in the lead up to the film’s release.
If you want to avoid spoilers for The Force Awakens, get offline. Shut down your Facebook and Twitter accounts for a few weeks. Avoid Reddit like the plague. Erase your social media presence. It’s the only way you’re going to avoid major spoilers. Or (and this might be a stretch), but grow the hell up. Learn to appreciate the fact that being online means an inability to remain spoiler free on your favorite movies and TV shows. Understand that a good movie going experience isn’t based on a complete lack of knowledge about the story you’re about to see.
How many times have you die-hard Star Wars fans watched The Empire Strikes Back after knowing the big twist? Does knowing that Darth Vader is Luke’s father make the film any less awesome? I can still remember being a kid and seeing The Empire Strikes Back several weeks after its release. Back the olden days of the 1980’s, movies were often in theaters for months at a time. It wasn’t uncommon to see the latest Hollywood blockbuster a month or two after its debut. Even back then people couldn’t keep quiet about Luke Skywalker’s lineage. By the time I finally got to see Empire, I’d heard the line ‘Luke… I AM YOUR FATHER’ uttered by every kid in my neighborhood. Did it quell my interest in seeing Empire or make the experience any less awesome? No. My fond memories of seeing The Empire Strikes Back wasn’t marred by knowing the film’s big reveal. That’s probably because as children we aren’t obsessed with our sense of discovery. Adults on the other hand have a rather nasty penchant of indulging their inner child, and believe it is the job of every single human being on the planet to help them remain spoiler free for the latest Star Wars film.
I would ask these Spoiler Nazis to exhibit a modicum of self-control in the coming weeks, but it’s pretty clear that they’re incapable.
Anghus Houvouras is a North Carolina based writer and filmmaker and the co-host of Across the Pondcast. Follow him on Twitter.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?list=PL18yMRIfoszEaHYNDTy5C-cH9Oa2gN5ng&v=WWU57JuvPl0
