Tis the season to be jolly but it’s also the season to be a douchebag, if some of these iconic Christmas movie douches are anything to go by…
We’ve all known a steaming douchebag in our time. It could be someone with an ego that melds perfectly with a shit-eating grin, or someone who takes delight in stepping on people on their way to the top. It might just be the kind of A-hole who’d sell their granny down the river just for the hell of it.
Cinema has been well stuffed with movie douchebags who inevitably have to get some comeuppance during the film but before that moment of well-timed karma in action, they’re characters we love to hate. Here are some of the ultimate Christmas movie douchebags…
Timmy Keane – 8-Bit Christmas
All you need to know about Timmy Keane is that this kid owned a Nintendo Power Glove. It was the kind of ridiculous and overly expensive accessory that only the very douchiest kids ever seemed to own. Sure in retrospect the device itself was infamously awful and functioned about as effectively as the British Government. Most of us probably grew up knowing at least one spoilt rotten rich kid too. I knew one kid at school from such wealth that his insanely sized house with innumerable rooms had one room which only had a Sega Megadrive (Genesis to our American friends) and TV in it. So many rooms that one could be solely dedicated to a single console. That said the kid wasn’t a douchy rich kid, so I’ll let him off.
As for Timmy Keane, played with obnoxious relish by Chandler Dean, he perfectly captures the hideousness of the spoilt jackass kids, lucky enough to lord over the plebs with whatever new-fangled gizmo they had which we didn’t. Inevitably Timmy does get his comeuppance in a beautiful and hilarious moment when in a fit of power-malfunctioning rage, he drop-kicks his TV.
Dick Thornburg – Die Hard and Die Hard 2: Die Harder
Is there a more accomplished movie douchebag than William Atherton? Not only did he play unscrupulous (and classically archetypal douche) reporter Dick Thornburg in two Christmas-set Die Hard movies, but he was also Walter Peck in Ghostbusters. The guy wrote the book on 80s cinematic douchery and could give classes.
It’s Thornburg’s bullish arrogance and sell-anyone down-the-river ethics that make him so spectacularly awful as a person, but Atherton just plays it to punchable-faced perfection. We want Thornburg to come unstuck in both Die Hard films and it inevitably does happen with Holly McClane besting him violently on both occasions and whether taking a punch to the face or getting tasered unconscious, it feels warranted.
Randolph and Mortimer Duke – Trading Places
There are plenty of reasons to love Trading Places. It was a perfect vehicle for Eddie Murphy to cement himself as a comedic cinematic force, well matched by Dan Akyroyd. Then there’s Jamie Lee Curtis who is sensational in all manner of ways here. You’ve also got a cast well stocked with excellent character actors and for good measure two irredeemable douches, the Mortimer brothers.
Representing old ideals raking it in during an era of American new money affluence, the Mortimers are sticklers for traditions but more so making as much money as possible. They also enjoy a good bet even if they set about wrecking someone’s life just to win the bet. Don Ameche and Randall Bellamy play the roles to nonchalant shithouse perfection. They’re awful, but we know the tide will turn against them and eagerly await that moment.
Ellis – Die Hard
No one has so perfectly captured the shit-eating grin in cinema history, quite like Hart Brochner as Ellis in Die Hard. He’s majestic as the epitome of Yuppy assholery. Ellis is smug and full of it and fancies himself among other things as a guy who could sell anything to anyone, or negotiate with a ruthless terrorist.
“Hans, booby…I’m your white night.” It’s not that Ellis is inherently evil but he’s that guy with the flash car who speeds past you and has never used his turning signals. He’s the douche that will skip a queue because he thinks he’s the centre of attention. He’s what you might call a prized pillock. Still, there’s something oddly satisfying about seeing Ellis take a final sip of cola when he realises he’s screwed.
Santa and Scut Farkus – A Christmas Story
A Christmas Story is a seasonal staple that perfectly captures a pivotal Childhood moment when there’s some toy you want more than anything. It’s the obsession and anxiety in wanting it so bad but feeling like it’s out of reach. Along with some classic comical moments, the film also has a couple of Grade-A douchebags.
First, it’s the blueprint of the mean and drunk mall Santa that would be refined so brilliantly by Billy Bob-Thornton in Bad Santa. David Gillen’s version, in his short but memorable cameo, is hilariously horrible, stamping on the dreams of our cherubic hero, Ralphie who just wants a BB gun (“you’ll put your eye out with that thing”). Then there’s Scut Farkus, a legendary movie bully played brilliantly by Zack Ward. He’s the kind of kid who seems to have no soul or empathetic bone in his body and who revels in being a little menace. We’ve all known a kid like that, but if you didn’t, I’m afraid to say you may have been that kid.
Uncle Frank – Home Alone
You could probably make a case for Buzz in Home Alone 1 and 2, but even that archetypal mean older brother showed a little humility. No, the ultimate douchebag in the Macaulay Culkin Home Alone movies, was Uncle Frank. The entire family are pretty awful anyway, not least for leaving an 8-year-old alone at Christmas two years in a row, but Frank is the lowest of the low.
Aside from being a cheapskate rinsing his rich brother for cash or trying to steal airline cutlery, he’s awful to Kevin. He also equates leaving a child home alone to accidentally forgetting his glasses. Gerry Bamman has a small but memorable role in the films and really does make his mark as one of cinema’s ultimate douchers.
Ted Maltin – Jingle All The Way
With the ingratiating demeanour and insincere neighbourhood nice guy shtick, Ted Maltin never convinces us he’s as nice as he makes out. He oozes sleaze and is condescending. The guy gets a power trip out of milking a position as being a rare single dad on the block. It’s the constant attempts to undermine Arnold Schwarzenegger’s protagonist too, whilst attempting to unsubtly woo the dude’s wife. Yet now and again the facade drops and the true Ted slips out, like raging after burning his hand on a hot baking dish.
For several reasons, Jingle All the Way has turned from being derided to becoming a holiday favourite but the biggest one of all is just how brilliantly icky Phil Hartman’s performance is. He’s hilarious and if the film ever suffers, it’s from the lengthier gaps between Hartman’s scenes.
Mr Potter – It’s a Wonderful Life
It’s a Wonderful Life is a classic full of heart, charm and it warms the soul. A character like George Bailey is unshakably good, putting others before himself every time. Mr Potter on the other hand is reprehensible and heartless, driven mad by a meglomaniacal need to have a hand in every business of a town increasingly under his thumb.
George (Jimmy Stewart) doesn’t want to give him that chance but puts his livelihood at risk for his principles and Potter will happily ruin George. Again, it’s the classic douchery of the big corporate monster who wants to stamp on the regular Joe to get what he wants. Lionel Barrymore excels as the detestable villain of the piece, who is full of false grinning deception.
Mr Shirley – National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
Life can sometimes make you feel that dems who write the cheques, exploit the people who slog for those measly cheques. Mr Shirley is the classic big boss with an entourage of ass-kissers around him who expects his workers to put the job before anything else. One of those overworked and underappreciated shlubs is Clark Griswald (Chevy Chase).
In time the film has become the most popular of the iconic comedy franchise, not least because the added Christmas factor gives it an edge over others (even if the first film is arguably better all round). Brian Doyle-Murray (brother of Bill) plays Mr Shirley to perfection and we know full well in a film where Clark is waiting on his Christmas bonus, that this douche is not going to give it. So in that legendary moment when Griswald can no longer maintain his cheery Holiday façade and delivers an epic rant it’s a moment to celebrate.
Brice Cummings – Scrooged
You might say that Bill Murray’s protagonist is an almighty douche, but he’s effectively playing Scrooge here and the whole point is transitioning back into being an empathetic human being. A good movie douche can’t have too much growth or redemption (if any). In Scrooged, yet another essential watch at Christmas time, Brice Cummings is the rival exec who poses a threat to Murray.
Cummings, in some ways similar to Ted in Jingle All the Way, is a complete fake. He’s full of it, wearing the façade of being everyone’s buddy but he’s completely full of the brown stuff. The insincere joviality that barely hides his ambitions is pitch-perfect from John Glover. He wants to act like your best pal, even whilst he’s putting his name over yours in the staff car park.
Who is the ultimate Christmas movie Douche? Let us know on our social channels @FlickeringMyth or hit me up @jolliffeproductions…
