Christmas is a time for giving. Some presents are great, some are terrible, and we’ve seen plenty of both in Christmas movies…
It’s the season of goodwill and sharing festive cheer (and beer) with friends and family. Big Red dumps his goods down the chimney and kids across the land open their presents in baited breath hoping they got exactly what they asked for. It doesn’t always work out that way, and anyone who ever owned a Mr Frosty Snow Cone machine knows full well, that even getting what you asked for can still lead to disappointment.
With many of us enjoying our Christmas Holidays, that might include binging on seasonal films. Many of these show every facet of Crimbo, not least the yearning for, giving and receiving of gifts. Here are the best and the worst Christmas movie presents…
Best – Nintendo Entertainment System
Let it not be said that I’m not a beacon of positivity, so we’ll start with a best selection first and really, does it get much better than…hang on, I have to wipe away a few nostalgic tears. Does it get much better than the NES?
8-Bit Christmas proved to be one of the best Christmas movies of recent years with its joyous and entertaining reworking of A Christmas Story. Here our plucky young protagonist has his heart set on a NES. He goes from not-so-subtle attempts to persuade his parents to get him one, to orchestrating intricate missions to take money pooled with his friends to buy a system to share (after the PTA at his school decides the NES should be banned).
It’s a great film and already a festive favourite and as for that beautiful, if temperamental system, it holds so many great memories for kids who grew up playing with it. Thanks to emulation, plug-and-play retro systems and Steam, many of those old classics like Super Mario Bros 3 (by far the greatest platformer ever made) can be played by kids today (wipes away another tear).
Worst: The Pink Bunny Outfit
Many of us have at least one relative who gives terrible presents. Yeah, yeah, I know it’s the thought that counts but for poor old Ralphie in A Christmas Story, his aunt’s gift, a Pink Bunny onesie, is dreadful.
It’s not the main gift focus of the film which drives the plot (more on that soon) but it’s a brief and humiliating moment on Xmas morning when Ralphie is opening his gifts, expecting the prized present he’s been pining for all movie but is left with his pink bunny onesie. Ironically, onesies have since become more popular than ever, especially among grown adults (seriously people…grow up). So the idea of a pink bunny onesie might appeal to some but this definitely belongs in the Worst section.
Best – Red Ryder BB Gun – A Christmas Story
From a worst to a best selection within A Christmas Story. Yes, right at the top of Ralphie’s wishlist which is a predominant focus in the film, is the Red Ryder BB gun. If you’re around my age too, chances are you grew up in a time of deadly playgrounds, dangerous toys and knew at least one kid (usually a total frickin menace to society) who had a BB gun. I was familiar with the machinations of the BB gun (and no I wasn’t said menace) and had plenty of use of one with a friend. Thankfully I didn’t shoot my eye out.
For Ralphie, his quest to manipulate his parents into thinking a BB gun would be a great gift for him ends up paying off, even if he unfortunately does shoot his eye out with it.
Worst: Turbo Man Doll – Jingle All The Way
Jingle All The Way was initially ravaged by critics and the few fans who bothered to turn out at the big screen to show it. A sort of grim celebration of consumerism which was low on Christmas spirit and high on questionable scenarios, did turn the tide with time though, becoming a cult favourite and a seasonal tradition for many (myself included). Yes, Sinbad is excruciating but Arnie, playing a horrible character still somehow manages to be likeable, whilst Phil Hartman steals the movie with relative ease.
Howard (Arnold) goes through hell trying to buy the most hyped-up toy of the Christmas period, after work on Christmas Eve because he didn’t do it months ago when his wife asked him. Of course, it’s a near impossibility and whilst Howard makes horrible moral decisions, Sinbad’s irksome postal worker descends into acts of terrorism and damn near attempted murder of a child just to get his hands on an action figure for a kids show that looks terrible. The action figure itself is also excessively oversized and looks cheap and awful (which in fairness many toys from the past 30 years do).
Best: Cold Hard Cash – It’s a Wonderful Life
One of the all-time great, tear-jerking festive favourites, It’s a Wonderful Life. Sue me but I prefer the Married With Children Christmas two-parter, It’s A Bundyful Life featuring Sam Kinison as a screaming mad angel tasked with helping Al Bundy see the joy in life. I do still love the Jimmy Stewart classic, where he almost tops himself only to learn of his value to everyone around him.
A complete antithesis to every other banker ever, George (Stewart) is actually a popular, respected and a nice person. So much so that his friends, neighbours and customers rally around to raise him 8 thousand dollars and as we all know, there’s nothing better at Christmas than getting money.
Worst: Candy Canes – Santa Claus: The Movie
In Santa Claus: The Movie, Christmas is put at risk when an Elf (Dudley Moore) absconds from the North Pole to design toys for a greedy corporate tyrant (John Lithgow). With an obsession for automation, Dudley goes from making shoddy toys that spoil Christmas to accidentally designing exploding Candy Canes the following year.
It’s then Santa to the rescue, aided by a precocious homeless boy and the wealthy young girl who befriended him. Candy Canes are a terrible candy at the best of times but the prospect of one making you explode or fly into space (yeah, for some reason the 80s was full of films with people flying into space minus any kind of oxygen mask or protective suit).
Best: All Expenses Paid Holiday – Home Alone 1 and 2
Imagine being as reprehensible a human being as Uncle Frank in Home Alone 1 and 2, and still being invited on all-expenses-paid trips to Paris and Florida by your wealthy (and undoubtedly secret drug kingpin) brother. Well, that’s what happens in those iconic seasonal classics, and he doesn’t even have to put up with Kevin (Macaulay Culkin) who he clearly despises.
Sure, pretty much everyone in the McCallister family besides Kevin are dreadful people unknowingly raising the kid who will later become Jigsaw (I buy that theory) but it must be said, for a free festive trip in luxury hotels in Florida or Paris, I’d put up with Uncle Frank’s skinflint antics.
Worst: A Bloody Pink Elephant
A pink stuffed elephant wouldn’t be such a bad gift ordinarily. In fact, in Bad Santa when Willie (Billy Bob Thornton) obtains one whilst robbing a shopping mall, it’s a moment of genuine growth when he finds himself thinking of someone other than himself for the first time.
The nefarious bank-robbing drunkard and professional mall Santa exploits and befriends an oddball kid (played brilliantly by Brett Kelly) but softens with that act. Sadly though, the bank robbing part and a battle with his former partner Marcus result in a police chase as he tries to deliver the gift to the boy. Ending up shot, he gets it back to the house but is covered in blood which turns the gift from something good to something horrible.
Best: Rolex – Die Hard
Die Hard is very much a Christmas movie. It’s an American, working-class cop against corporate greed and capitalist terrorism. He has to rescue his family and the Christmas of all those Nakatomi employees trying to make it home in time for Turkey. Earlier in the film, Holly McClane is gifted a Rolex which is a great present to receive.
It’s also even better if you have an exceptional German thief hanging from your wrist and you can unclasp the watch to make him plummet from the building to his demise. I’d love a Roley, if anyone’s buying.
Worst: Joni Mitchell CD – Love Actually
Both Sides Now by Joni Mitchell is a classic album, and of that, there’s no doubt. As a gift for your wife of many years at Christmas time a CD copy is a dreadful gift to give. That’s exactly what Alan Rickman does for Emma Thompson but the shitness of the gift is stabbed home later when it’s clear that a necklace she saw in his coat earlier and assumed was meant for her, was in fact for Rickman’s bit on the side. Oh Alan, you spoiler of Christmas you!
What is the best or worst gift ever seen in a Christmas movie? Let us know on our social channels @FlickeringMyth..
Tom Jolliffe
