Andrew Newton revisits a selection of romance-themed retro games from back in the day…
It’s St. Valentine’s Day, a chance to spend time with your beloved…… beloved retro computer that is. There are a fair few games of old that had love and romance as the focus, and I’m talking proper love not smut, I’ll save those games for another time. Romance isn’t a subject that you would expect to fly off the shelves of the old computer game shops of the 80s but sometimes a game would come along that really captured gamers’ attention, other times it was a plot point for an existing franchise. This leads us to….
Popeye – DK’Tronics (and later published by Alternative) – ZX Spectrum, Amstrad CPC, Commodore 64
Poor Popeye is always having to fight for the heart of Olive Oyl and this game continues his struggle. Popeye must prove his love for Olive once again by collecting all the hearts around the game world and returning them to her. There are 25 hearts to collect from a large variety of locations, including under the sea, up a lighthouse, in a castle in the clouds and in some haunted caves, and all the while he’s exploring, Olive’s love for him is dropping (via the meter to the side of the screen).
If her love reaches zero it’s game over, meaning that players will have to take Popeye back to Olive to top off the hearts.
Popeye gurns through a window while hearts and keys await collection. ZX Spectrum version.
Popeye’s mission isn’t plain sailing as numerous enemies will try and ruin his day, enemies including the Sea Hag, vultures and the villainous Bluto will all put Popeye on his back. Fortunately, there are plenty of tins of spinach to collect that serve as extra lives.
Managing to win Olive’s favour this time, Popeye heads to the house for his reward. C64 version.
Due to the huge sprites used, there is very little screen room for movement so the game features a depth level to each screen allowing Popeye to move further into the screen, this depth becomes very obvious when you go up a ladder or through a door.
Once all the hearts are collected, players can return to Olive’s house where she will open the door to let him in. Once he gets in, the roof begins to bounce up and down so we know what those two are getting up to.
Kissin’ Kousins – English Software (later rereleased by Beau Jolie in compilations) – BBC Micro, Acorn Electron, Atari 8-bit
Kissin’ Kousins is a good old fashioned arcade game that requires players to navigate their way through a number of screens as the boy cousin to get to the girl cousin. There’s all manner of obstacles in the way and many of these require pixel perfect jumps or you lose a life. The sideways scrolling action takes place at first on a normal town street with shops in the background, on these early levels players have to jump over dustbins, hydrants, plants and caterpillars and all while a little plane flies overhead dropping bombs.
Later levels will have players running through woodland avoiding bats, disappearing platforms over spikes and even kangaroos… yes, kangaroos. The things some lads will put up with for a bit of romance with their cousin.
Giant caterpillars roam the streets while bombs rain down. Acorn Electron version.
Should you manage to complete the game I believe the two cousins kiss and little love hearts appear above their heads, but don’t quote me on that as I haven’t seen the ending in years and I’ve discovered I’m now crap at the game.
I hope they aren’t first cousins!
This is a very attractive game, with bright colours and clearly drawn sprites. The occasional pixel perfection for jumps can be annoying but it doesn’t distract what is a very fun game. Definitely recommended if you want a bit of arcade entertainment.
Boxer – Acornsoft – BBC Micro, Acorn Electron
Boxer is a platformer that has you collecting balloons released by a lady at the bottom of the screen. You’d think by the title that this would involve fighting for your girl, but no. There’s very little to do with boxing other than the occasional dumbbell that gets thrown across the platforms (apparently it’s a gym), what look like boxing shorts on the characters and the speed bags at the bottom (which do give points if punched).
Players must run and climb up on platforms to collect the balloons that the girl lets go and it is up to players to collect 5 before they float off the screen. Those that vanish off screen automatically get awarded to your rival as he’s too busy running around trying to drop an infinite supply of house plants (possibly) on you. Besides the threat of getting hit by a pot plant, somebody off-screen often throws hammers, dumbells and other such items at you, which you must punch to stop. Even touching the balloons while they are floating is enough to knock your boxer over so always wait for it to get stuck in the platform before jumping for it.
Our heroic boxer jumps in victory as his love rival looks on with his pot plant.
Succeed in collecting 5 balloons and little hearts appear over your boxer and it’s onto the next round. However, failure occurs by your rival getting 5 balloons first or you getting knocked out 3 times.
Boxer was a very popular game when it was released in ’84. Its bold sprites and cleverly designed levels all help make a game that is challenging but very fair.
Mikie – Imagine Software (originally a Konami arcade game) Acorn Electron, Amstrad CPC, BBC Micro, Commodore 64, MSX, ZX Spectrum
Starting life as a Japanese arcade game called Shinnyū Shain Tōru-kun by Konami, Mikie was a success and soon was converted to most of the UK computers of the time courtesy of Imagine Software.
Mikie being chased by three staff members for headbutting teachers. Commodore 64 version.
The titular Mikie is an American high school lad who wants to send a love letter to his girlfriend but in order for him to do so he must travel around different locations, including classrooms, dance halls and locker rooms, in the school and collect hearts, each heart being an individual letter that will help make up his letter. Standing in Mikie’s way are teachers, chefs and caretakers, all of which will pursue him until the player either turns round and headbutts them or escapes from the room.
When it comes to collecting hearts from classrooms he will knock other kids off their chairs by bashing them with his bum and when he wants to get the hearts inside lockers he headbutts them open. He’s a bit of a thug is young Mikie and quite a surprise he has a girlfriend at all.
Mikie on the Amstrad CPC. Not the best of the home versions but not the worst. That honour falls on the Electron.
Mikie is an enjoyable game to play for a short while. If you plan on emulating then go for the arcade version, you’ll have much more fun.
Heartbroken – Atlantis Software – ZX Spectrum
This little platform adventure has players searching numerous screens and climbing many, many ladders to find the necessary equipment with which to defeat the evil warlock who has kidnapped Princess Mertha (no, not a spelling mistake). Merlin has retired and no other hero seems to be around, so it falls on players to rescue the one he loves by battling through ogres, flying gargoyles, castle guards and demon type creatures.
Nice clear sprites were a common thing with Atlantis games. Thoroughly enjoyable.
Starting off with Merlin’s fireball ability, players will journey through a few screens in search of the spellbook and cauldron and once these have been located they will give access to other spells and other areas of the map if you have the right items in your inventory. These items can be located anywhere with the instructions saying they will be in different places in each run.
Manage to survive and find Mertha and it’s love hearts all over. Sweet! Sarcasm aside, Heartbroken contains no heartbreaks on the player’s part, it’s an enjoyable little romp with lovely graphics and puzzles that aren’t too cryptic.
Heartbroken’s end screen looks nice enough but the music will make your ears bleed.
So, there’s five romantic themed games to spend your evening with. So remember folks, give your old computer or console a bit of love and attention and enjoy a bit of retro gaming. I’m sure it will appreciate it.
Andrew Newton
