Vampyres, 2015.
Directed by Victor Matello
Starring Caroline Munro, Verónica Polo, Marta Flich, Almudena León, Anthony Rotsa, Lone Fleming
SYNOPSIS:
In this remake of the 1974 cult classic, two female vampires are living a life of murder and blood-drinking in an old English manor located in the woods. However, when their peace is disturbed by outsiders, they find themselves presented with an ideal opportunity to claim more victims to sate their bloodthirsty desires.
Vampires have been one of the classic go to monsters in cinema since the early days of the silver screen. With their hypnotic powers, charming personalities, dark castles and general mystery surrounding them, film goers have flocked to the multiplexes to revel in the company of a slightly dodgy Transylvanian telling them how wonderful the music made by the children of the night is.
Unfortunately for you dear readers, and me because I had to watch it, we aren’t looking at a good vampire film today, because we’re talking about Vampyres, quite possibly the worst vampire film I’ve seen in quite some time.
The acting from the film’s cast is ropy, to say the least, with plenty of stilted and awkward line deliveries, but in fairness much of the cast are not native English speakers so I can’t hold it against them too much.
Although while their delivery might be slightly off, the actors didn’t exactly present much when it came to reacting – like how our supposed hero, a man named Ted (who resembles an older version YouTube comedy character Jonathan Pie) reacts to the sight of a blood-soaked woman pleading for help, by pulling a face like he’s trying to work out who just farted. Or how one-half of our evil lesbian vampire couple constantly pulls a face like she knows who farted and is enjoying not telling anyone.
I could forgive the awkward performances if the characters were at least engaging; unfortunately, that wish has also been ignored, as the characters have about as much charisma as a sponge, and are about as memorable as one. I simply didn’t care about the characters, nor did the film really give me a reason to care about them, we are not given much back-story aside from a few cursory “oh why don’t you guys go out” type conversations that are about as exciting as listening to the shipping forecast in slow motion.
This film is supposed to be an erotic horror full of scares and sex. A film designed to titillate as well as terrify. A film that will make you scream in with fear and joy, so if you’re into the sight of blood-soaked lesbians getting it on then you might be interested in watching .
But after enduring its runtime (the longest 75 minutes of my life), it felt about as scary as an episode of Pingu and the film’s numerous blood-soaked sex scenes being about as erotic as making love to a loaf of mouldy bread.
However the worst sin this film makes above all else is that it’s bloody boring – the plot doesn’t go anywhere, lurching back and forth between the lesbian vampires and their victims, including poor old Ted who is reduced into becoming a kind refill station for the undead lovers.
We have a pair of older women who run a hotel, providing some vague advice to Ted, warning him to beware of the dangers of temptation, advice which he forgets after spending a millisecond with the sexy vampire, and then we have a gang of campers who are so clichéd they may as well be wearing nametags with “hello my name is vampire food” written on them.
Those of you reading this review are perhaps realising that I didn’t particularly like Vampyres very much, but that’s not entirely accurate. I absolutely hated this film.
Vampyres is quite possibly one of the worst horror films I’ve ever watched. It fails at being scary, it fails at being erotic and it frankly fails in being even remotely entertaining, hell even the Twilight films are better vampire films than this wretched attempt at soft-core porn masquerading as a horror film. Avoid Vampyres at all costs and watch absolutely anything else rather than waste your time on this abysmal film.
Flickering Myth Rating – Film: ★ / Movie: ★
Graeme Robertson
