Elves, 1989.
Directed by Jeffrey Mandel.
Starring Dan Haggerty, Deanna Lund, Julie Austin and Borah Silver.
SYNOPSIS:
In a botched attempt to perform an occult ritual, a group of friends accidently summon up a demonic elf. The elf soon attempts to seek out one of the girls, the virginal Kirsten, in an effort to complete a decades-old secret plan conjured up by incestuous Nazis to create a master race of human/elf hybrids who would take over the world, and only a former cop turned department store Santa can stop them.
We all know Santa Claus and his jolly gift-giving ways and love the way he breaks into people’s house and empties his sack all over their living rooms, the dirty bastard. But away from my childish innuendos, Santa would be nothing without the help of his elves, those poor short souls who have to work all year and make toys for children, without pay. How long till we get Panorama: Inside Santa’s Workhouse?
This overlong introduction brings me nicely to the subject of Day 7 in the 12 Days of Christmas Horrors, the 1989 cult stinker Elves, which shows what happens when you work elves all year and don’t pay them – they team up with Nazis, as is often the case of course.
The acting from the film’s cast can perhaps best be explained through a series of pop culture references because these characters are very much painted with a broad brush. You have Kristen our heroine, who hangs around with friends who sound like rejects from Frank Zappa’s Valley Girls on the basis that they sounded too airheaded. You have Kristen’s wheelchair-bound German grandfather who seems to have rolled in from the set of Hogan’s Heroes – seriously the guy seems like he’s about two seconds away from going “I see nothing I see nothing”. You have a pervy little brother who has a slightly worrying interest in seeing his older sister’s breasts and threatens to tell everyone how big they are and that’s he’s seen them because that makes sense. And finally, we have a mother so cold you’d get frostbite just from being in the same room, and whose hobbies included drowning the family cat in a toilet. So the cast is very much on par with Branagh’s version of Hamlet, thankfully we have a saving grace in the form of none other than Grizzly Adams.
The late Dan Haggerty (who sadly died earlier this year) is our hero for the movie, a burned out alcoholic former detective-turned-former store detective-turned-department store Santa, because it’s nice to have some variety in your work history I suppose. Haggarty is really the best actor in the film; he just has a warm affectionate quality that you just can’t hate, even with the sometimes stupid dialogue he has to deliver.
Also, you can’t help but feel sorry for the guy; he just seems really bloody sad to even be in this film, like no matter how nice he is to people around him, even though just about everyone treats him like he just crapped on their cornflakes. Plus it’s pretty awesome watching Grizzly Adams beat up Nazis. He’s just great.
This film has a very misleading title as we only have one elf on the rampage, but I suppose calling this film Elf would cause some amount of confusion, plus it’s already horrible enough without Will Ferrell being involved. But aside from the misleading title, this film has one hell of a ridiculously daft plot, featuring things that a conspiracy theorist might say to get his motor running in the bedroom.
We have the occult ceremony that summons a demonic elf, which in turn has to seek out an “Aryan Virgin” (Kristen) to consummate with and produce what will be a human/elf “master race” thus completing a plan dreamt up by the Nazis (as if they didn’t have enough of a bad reputation) to take over the world. This plan involves Nazis having children with their own children, because inbreeding keeps the genetic structure pure apparently. Sounds like the most epic edition of Jeremy Kyle if you ask me.
I think you can tell by now dear readers that Elves is just ridiculously bad, but it’s also really funny. I mean come on – it’s the only Christmas film with Nazis AND elves, what more could you ask for. This is one of those films like Troll 2 where, while it’s fun to watch alone, you’re best watching it with your friends in order to truly relish in its sheer ineptitude. Check it out for a really funny Christmas turkey.
Flickering Myth Rating – Film: ★/ Movie: ★ ★ ★ ★
Graeme Robertson
