Almighty Thor, 2011.
Directed by Christopher Ray.
Starring Patricia Velasquez, Kevin Nash, Richard Grieco, Cody Deal and Jess Allen.
SYNOPSIS:
When Loki attacks Asgard and bests Odin in combat, the only thing standing in the way of Armageddon is the God of Thunder, Thor.
Chances are that if you’ve ever cast your eye over the straight-to-DVD shelf at your local ASDA, you’ve probably come across titles such as Transmorphers, AVH: Alien vs. Hunter, Snakes on a Train, The Da Vinci Treasure, Sunday School Musical, Paranormal Entity and Battle of Los Angeles. If you’ve been half asleep or suffering from the after effects of a heavy weekend on the lash, you may have even found yourself picking up one of these titles in the mistaken belief that you’re nabbing a bargain, only to discover later that actually, you’ve fallen victim to the ‘mockbuster’ – a soundalike title aimed at cashing in on the latest big releases. So, given the recent flood of superhero movies this year, it really isn’t much of a surprise that The Asylum are now looking to capitalise with the release of their latest Sy-Fy effort, Almighty Thor, and it’s even less of a surprise that the resulting film is an absolute stinker of godly proportions.
Almighty Thor kicks off with the demon Loki (Richard Grieco) and his monstrously-rendered giant CGI dog creatures launching an attack on Asgard, hoping to steal the Hammer of Invincibility from Odin (Kevin Nash) so that he can destroy The Tree of Life (I guess he really hated Terrence Malick’s Cannes-winner). Loki is confronted by Odin and his two sons, Thor (Cody Deal) and Baldir (Jess Allen), but they prove no match for the God of Mischief; Thor is knocked unconscious and Baldir and Odin meet their demise at the hands of Loki, but not before Odin manages to throw the Hammer of Invincibility through a portal. With his dying breath (which goes on for about ten minutes), Odin explains over and over again that Thor must retrieve the Hammer if he is to prevent the destruction of the universe. Assisting him in this quest is the demigoddess Jarnsaxa (Patricia Velasquez) and the pair set out to retrieve the Hammer on a journey that takes them from Asgard to Los Angeles, with Loki in hot pursuit.
Looking past the obvious budgetary issues and amateur VFX work, the biggest problem with Almighty Thor is its dull, repetitive narrative. Basically, it follows a simple formula that goes a little something like this (warning, there will be ‘spoilers’): Thor fights Loki, Thor gets beat off Loki, Jarnsaxa rescues Thor, Thor whines to Jarnsaxa about needing to defeat Loki. Thor fights Loki again, Thor gets beat off Loki again, Jarnsaxa rescues Thor again, Thor whines to Jarnsaxa about needing to defeat Loki again. Thor fights Loki yet again, Thor gets beat off Loki yet again, Jarnsaxa rescues Thor yet again, Thor whines to Jarnsaxa about needing to defeat Loki yet again. Thor fights Loki with an Uzi, Thor still gets beat off Loki, Jarnsaxa rescues Thor only to get killed by Loki, Thor whines about Loki killing Jarnsaxa, Thor fights Loki for the umpteenth time, Thor beats Loki. The End.
While the plot of Almighty Thor is overly (and I do mean overly) tedious, there are plenty of action sequences. Unfortunately these do little to salvage the film, especially as they lack any kind of excitement and are about as entertaining as a Kevin Nash wrestling match. The showdown between Odin and Loki has less mobility than Obi Wan Kenobi’s duel with Darth Vader in Star Wars, and the rest of the fight scenes aren’t much of an improvement. To make matters worse, the majority incorporate some choppy, slow-motion editing which I can only presume is intended to give some visual flair to proceedings, but again this fails completely and merely serves to highlight the uninspired fight choreography.
In terms of the cast, it says something when the actor playing the main character doesn’t even make the DVD cover and I imagine the only reason Cody Deal got the gig as Thor is because he has blond hair and has biceps. However, he really seems out of his depth and to say that he’s a poor man’s Chris Hemsworth would be an insult to poor men. I’m out of shape with black hair and I’d have made a more convincing Norse God than this guy. The likes of WWE star Kevin Nash (The Punisher) and Patricia Velasquez (The Mummy) do little to rectify the situation, but the biggest failure is Richard Grieco (21 Jump Street) as Loki; I honestly don’t think I’ve ever seen an actor look as bored as he does and while you can’t blame him, I seriously doubt anyone held a gun to his head and forced him to take the role. A few reviews have praised Grieco for ‘hamming it up’ as Loki, but he looks sick of his life most of the time and if this is the kind of effort he’s going to put in then it’s no wonder his career has slipped from B-movie to Z-movie.
I’ve seen a lot of bad films in my time and Almighty Thor is certainly right up there with the very worst. If it wasn’t for the fact that I pissed myself laughing for a good ten minutes at Thor using an Uzi, it would probably make my ‘bottom ten’. There’s absolutely nothing to recommend here whatsoever and if you’re desperate for a superhero fix, you’d be better off with Catwoman, Elektra, Jonah Hex, Superman IV: The Quest for Peace or even Batman & Robin. Just make sure you avoid this ‘almighty bore’ like the plague.
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