Stranded, 2013.
Directed by Roger Christian.
Starring Christian Slater, Brendan Fehr, Amy Matysio, and Michael Therriault.
SYNOPSIS:
Four isolated astronauts on board a bio-dome space craft experience a ghostly intercession after a meteor storm, leading to paranoia, fear and death.
I was trapped watching Stranded. Trapped on a train travelling home from London. There was nowhere to go and I had to watch it. Twenty minutes into the film my daughter told me she “couldn’t watch anymore of this” and went back to taking pictures of cups for Instagram. I envied her.
A fair few years back a group of friends, my wife and I attempted to create an “A to Z of B-Movies Available to Rent and Buy”. We had no idea where it would go, but our goal was to make a book about these films. After about four films we couldn’t continue due to the awful task we’d set ourselves. If we’d had the opportunity to start with Stranded way back then we wouldn’t have got any further than one.
If I’d known that Christian Slater (True Romance, Young Guns II: Blaze of Glory) had fallen on such hard times I could have given his name to my youngest daughter’s school, as they were struggling for Pontius Pilate in their Easter play. The other actors (though after this they could be prosecuted under the Trade Descriptions Act if they ever use the title “actor” again) are Brendan Fehr (the Fox Mulder lookalike from Roswell High), Amy Matysio (Chained, Retail) and Michael Therriault (Total Recall, Nurse 3D) and they all really, really grate on your nerves whenever they deliver their lines.
Though I’m being a trifle mean, I have yet to turn my attention to the director of Stranded, Roger Christian. If I were Roger, I would have asked if Alan Smithee could have been placed on the credits so this mess never appeared on my CV. That, and so I couldn’t add his name to my ‘Hate List’. Roger Christian makes Uwe Boll look like Francis Ford Coppola.
Turning to the sets and models, somebody had obviously seen Duncan Jones’ Moon and decided, “we can do that!”. The difference is the sets and models on Moon were designed and built by people with skills and experience. The sets in Stranded have been created by someone with my skill level (I failed both woodwork and metalwork), and access to a Poundland store. I draw your attention to the Moonbase solar panels, which are garden / patio solar lights that haven’t even been made to look any different, and their communicators, which are cheap reading lights. I have one – it came free with my Kindle case, and again they haven’t even attempted to make it look any different.
If Stranded had been a pornographic movie, perhaps I could have let these things pass. However, it isn’t, and while I don’t think I’d want to see Mr Slater in a porn film, it would have given him more kudos than this travesty.
Flickering Myth Rating: Film ★ / Movie ★
Villordsutch is married with kids and pets. He looks like a tubby Viking and enjoys science fiction. Follow him on Twitter.
