All Girls Weekend, 2016.
Written and Directed by Lou Simon.
Starring Jamie Bernadette, Katie Carpenter, Gema Calero, Karishma Lakhani and Sharron Calvin.
SYNOPSIS:
High school friends reunite after many years to spend a weekend in the mountains, but when everything goes wrong, there is no time for girl bonding.
It’s impossible not to be misled by the appearance of All Girls Weekend . The title suggests a sex-comedy romp, possibly set by a lake or in a Las Vegas hotel; this is not the case. One poster, showing a scantily-clad woman holding the severed head of another gal, brings to mind the kind of trashy slasher movie that was so popular in the 1980s; close, but no cigar. The performances and plotting are reminiscent of adult movies that actually have stories; but don’t think that the lack of gratuitous nudity or sex scenes makes the gender politics of this film any more palatable.
Sadly, all of these options would be preferable to the film’s actual premise. All Girls Weekend is indeed a slasher movie, but the killer doesn’t where a mask or wield a machete – in fact, they aren’t even human. Oh, no: this serial killer is an evil mountain.
No, it won’t make sense by the end of the movie, which features 25 minutes of excruciatingly dull exposition before the characters even set foot on Creepy Mountain. The leads are four estranged high school friends (and one sad colleague) on a hiking weekend in the woods, and eventually we learn the following facts about the group:
- One used to be fat in high school
- One currently posts lots of half-naked pictures on social media
- Apparently this is a source of tension
When one of their number suggests they take a detour up Creepy Mountain instead of lunch, everyone else reluctantly agrees. This is the first of many bad decisions each of the characters make, guided by a script that appears to view high school stereotypes as a solid bedrock for development and drama and treats the laws of nature and logic like silly fantasies. Someone falls over a branch? Her leg is impaled on a twig. Another puts her fingers in cold water for five seconds? FROSTBITE. Not that any of these women are worried about the fact that members of their group are grievously injured; in fact, they treat the maladies as an excuse to complain about the others’ smoking and social media habits, all delivered with the conviction of a pet rock.
What the ladies are worried about, however, is that Creepy Mountain appears to be inescapable. Straight lines take the characters in circles, and it becomes apparent none too soon that anyone wanting to leave has to pay a hefty price, much like deciding to watch this film. It wouldn’t be so bad if there were some scares or tension to be found, but the screenplay seems content to have its characters amble around looking for body parts and drown in piles of leaves. (YES. THAT HAPPENS.)
There are terrible Hollywood movies – those that can be forgiven for their awful dialogue and forced drama because of high production values and talented supporting players – and then there are bad low-budget movies. All Girls Weekend is a prime example of what happens when someone produces a script with no imagination, wit or stakes, all without changing a word because there was no-one there to tell them they shouldn’t. Sometimes the system works for a reason.
Though whatever system director Lou Simon employed to raise the (reported) million dollars it took to make her film, it seems to be working. What she spent it on is beyond this reviewer, mind; scenes are shot on cheap, flat digital, the sound levels are horrendously inconsistent and the set design extends to a couple of short scenes in a dank log cabin…and trees. Appropriately enough for a supposed horror flick, there’s just no life to All Girls Weekend, which makes its deaths and dopey concept all the more meaningless.
Flickering Myth Rating – Film: ★ / Movie: ★
Mark Allen
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https://youtu.be/b7Ozs5mj5ao?list=PL18yMRIfoszEaHYNDTy5C-cH9Oa2gN5ng
Originally published July 12, 2016. Updated April 15, 2018.
