Gods of Egypt, 2016.
Directed by Alex Proyas.
Starring Brenton Thwaites, Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Gerard Butler, Courtney Eaton, Chadwick Boseman, Elodie Yung, Rufus Sewell, and Geoffrey Rush.
SYNOPSIS:
Ancient Egypt, a world where the Gods live among mortals. Osiris, King of all Egypt, prepares to crown his dutiful son Horus as his successor, but doesn’t count on his power hungry brother Set challenging for the throne…
Given the gap between its US and UK theatrical release, us across the Pond have been preparing ourselves for a stinker of enormous proportions with Gods of Egypt. It’s generated more conversation than many films given claims of whitewashing when it comes to casting its ancient Egyptian heroes, which Alex Proyas and studio Lionsgate apologised for–anticipating the backlash–and largely blamed on the practicalities of not just a dearth of appropriate Egyptian actors but equally the necessity of the box office draw of its stars. Name me one picture in the last decade starring Gerard Butler people have rushed out to see… exactly.
While Proyas has a point, it doesn’t excuse the fact he’s made a film which many will point to as the nadir of his promising, yet indubitably strange career. That’s unfair – Gods of Egypt is objectively rubbish, with bland actors chewing awful direlogue and wrestling with a brace of dodgy CGI, in a story so overblown it might as well be set on the planet Alderaaan, yet there’s an appealing sense of camp, theatrical colour and ridiculousness that just about saves it, plus the sense at times Proyas knows how silly all of this is.
The director has commented how his movie isn’t meant to depict a period of ancient Egyptian history and is as fantastical & archetypal as Star Wars, partly used as his excuse for the whitewashing argument, and while that doesn’t excuse the hilariously bad script, story and characterisation, it does provide context for how Proyas intentionally turns everything up to 11. Yes there are unintentional moments of humour – one of the best being Nikolai Coster-Waldau’s troubled hero Horus shouting “it’s lettuce!” in exasperating tones – but equally more than enough lines and portrayals which suggest Proyas is dialling up the pomp & spectacle; frankly that’s the only way to explain Chadwick Boseman’s delightfully camp performance as knowledge master Thoth.
It’s slight tongue in cheek always means it’s fun even when it’s being unutterably stupid, or moments keep making you laugh when they shouldn’t – such as how Brenton Thwaites is a dead ringer for Kenneth Connor’s character in Carry on Cleo, or how Geoffrey Rush looks exactly like Bob Todd, the pervy old man who Benny Hill used to chase around slapping on the head on his show. Rush, one of the many Australian actors featured given they filmed there to take advantage of tax breaks, plays Ra by the way, the Sun God, who spends his days looking like a weathered bollock on an orbiting space cruiser firing a phallic fire weapon into the vagina-like maw of the demonic cloud Apophis. That’s the other thing about Gods of Egypt: it’s probably all about sex.
Apart from Ra’s ‘discharging’ regularly, you have Butler’s evil God villain Set frequently poring over the giant shaft tower he has built in the heart of Egypt, while boasting about its prowess. The more you look, indeed, the more you see sex everywhere in Proyas’ film; the shaft, the fiery weapon, the fact Courtney Eaton’s boobs are practically always on show and the immensely annoying Elodie Yung (you know, the woman who made Elektra a twat) strutting about smugly showing off how sexy she is for the duration. Proyas’ film is as brazen in its attempts to be erotic as it is batshit crazy; see Ra’s spaceship or the giant, fire-breathing snakes (knicked from Frank Herbert’s Dune) that Set’s lady baddies try and kill Horus & Thwaites’ Bek with, like a pair of slimy dragons.
Also all of the Gods can transform into CGI beasties at will, becoming super-powered heroes & villains who can fly or breathe fire or shoot lasers, all kind of madness which results in many scenes feeling like an ancient version of Transformers (just not right-wing & hateful). Proyas seems to think all of this is thrilling but fails to realise it’d be far more fun if we were playing the video game it often looks like; he grounds nothing in any depth resembling character work or meaningful story, despite what he may think – Coster-Waldau again plays Jaime Lannister (this time lacking an eye instead of a hand), Thwaites struggles with a wanky British accent as the boring mortal lead, and Butler JUST SHOUTS A LOT and growls with a big beard and lots of penis envy. It’s most fun when it’s not trying to make you care about people like Hathor, and gives in to its overblown lunacy. That’s often when it looks nice and while the CGI might often be horrid, the production design is regularly sumptuous; it might be a dumb film but it sure is a pretty one most of the time.
It’s all too easy to recommend ‘switching your brain off’ for a movie, so with Gods of Egypt it’s probably best if you just leave it at home (Set would probably try to steal it anyway). You’ll get people tell you this is the worst film of the year, or one of them, but it’s not. At least Alex Proyas is inventive enough visually to craft a blend of ancient Egypt and the fantastical to keep your attention, and despite what anyone says this *does* know sometimes how ludicrous the whole thing is. Yes it’s badly written. Yes the acting is poor. Yes the story is ridiculous. Yes the CGI is rubbish. But is it boring? Almost never. There’s enough incident and spectacle or hammy, unintentionally comical delivery to make this fun in its own, schlocky, big-budget B-movie way.
Would it be nice to see Proyas make a proper film that stands the test of time? Absolutely. Give me this kind of camp nonsense any day though over the ponderous, odious drivel someone like Zack Snyder peddles any day. Get some popcorn, get some beers, don’t expect Star Wars, and see what you think.
Flickering Myth Rating – Film: ★ ★ / Movie: ★ ★ ★
Tony Black is a freelance film/TV writer & podcaster & would love you to follow him on Twitter.
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