Kids vs. Aliens, 2023.
Directed by Jason Eisener.
Starring Dominic Mariche, Phoebe Rex, Calem MacDonald, Asher Grayson, Ben Tector, Emma Vickers, Isaiah Fortune, Jonathan Torrens, Caleb Allred, and Jessica Marie Brown.
SYNOPSIS:
An all-time rager of a teen house party turns to terror when aliens attack, forcing two warring siblings to band together to survive the night.
It’s easy and accurate to say that Kids vs. Aliens works better as a short. However, the issue with Jason Eisener’s (co-writing alongside John Davies) expansion of his V/H/S/2 short Slumber Party Alien Abduction is less about the decision to do so and more about how dreadful every aspect of the execution is. This movie barely cracks an hour without credits yet doesn’t introduce its standard gray aliens into the mix until the halfway point. From there, there is no traditional second act; it’s just a straight shoot to an underwhelming climax.
The Dark Side of the Ring (a blisteringly provocative series of episodes studying real-life professional wrestling tragedies with zero sanitization or consideration for what the wrestling companies think) director has brought his love of that business to Kids vs. Aliens, as the titular friend group here doesn’t just play dress-up and make home movies slaughtering dragons and such, but also have a wrestling ring to heighten the ridiculous of their shenanigans and unsupervised rowdy behavior.
Technically, they are watched over by Gary’s (Dominic Mariche) older sister Sam (Phoebe Rex), a teenager forced into a guardian role since their parents are negligent, either working or traveling. That’s also somewhat okay because she enjoys playing with Gary and his friends, envisioning herself as a valiant medieval warrior brandishing a sword, even if the boys insist she uses guns. She’s a deeply nerdy person that embraces this family and LARPing but quickly becomes embarrassed when the local bullies led by Billy (Calem MacDonald) stop by and cruelly make fun of her for hanging around these kids, the way she dresses and not having a boyfriend.
The worst part: Sam secretly has a crush on this jerk, and Billy is willing to take advantage of that, even if it involves cheating on his girlfriend (this also increasingly becomes awkward as the film doesn’t necessarily clarify the ages of either character, with one line jokingly pointing out Billy could go to jail.)
Anyway, the bullies are looking for a place to throw Halloween rager (now you see how little this movie has to do with aliens coming to earth and wreaking havoc), with Billy instantly seducing Sam, who decides it’s time to grow up and stop playing in fantasyland with the kids. The character behavior here induces whiplash, as every change comes instantaneously and with practically no persuasion or conversation whatsoever. One might also be led to believe this would push the story along quickly, but somehow, Kids vs. Aliens progresses swiftly without much of anything interesting happening on screen.
There’s also the simple fact that these characters are nails on a chalkboard, annoying, constantly loud, and cursing like sailors while treating each other like dirt. None of this is endearing but comparable to the scribblings of an edgy 13-year-old who thinks character development and comity come from having children constantly say the F word. We want all these people to die by the time the aliens arrive.
Admittedly, one visually pleasant sequence sees Sam diving underwater to search for an alien hideout. There is also charm from the cheap cosplay costume design, nostalgic blood effects (especially when Sam finally gets to dismember some aliens with a sword), and the children’s imaginations. It’s also to be appreciated that the film unexpectedly is comfortable showing these kids get violently harmed, which never feels like gross shock value since the tone is always playfully absurd about it.
Everything else about Kids vs. Aliens feels like a partially developed idea for a film that comes across as grating.
Flickering Myth Rating – Film: ★ ★ / Movie: ★ ★
Robert Kojder is a member of the Chicago Film Critics Association and the Critics Choice Association. He is also the Flickering Myth Reviews Editor. Check here for new reviews, follow my Twitter or Letterboxd, or email me at MetalGearSolid719@gmail.com
