The Zombinator. 2020.
Directed by Sergio Myers.
Starring Patrick Kilpatrick, Joseph Aviel, Lucia Brizzi, Justin Brown, Diana Sillaots, Jennifer Sulkowski, Scott Alin, and Travis Bratten.
SYNOPSIS:
A fashion blogger documentary turns into a Zombie horror nightmare when Youngstown Ohio college students come face to face with the undead.
The Zombinator. A horror “mockumentary” with dingier production value than a leaked celebrity sex tape. A straight ripoff of Arnold Schwarzenegger’s “Terminator” assassin, confirmed by the casting of an Arnie lookalike (from The Starving Games) as a black trenchcoated, shotgun-wielding, sunglasses-on monster hunter. Feast your eyes upon documentary filmmaker Sergio Myers’ on-the-fly zombie fiasco that wrapped principal photography in under a calendar week. No script, no ambition, no redeemable agenda beyond punishing critics, like myself, who’ve dedicated their professional bandwidth to covering horror’s farthest-flung reaches.
Reader, The Zombinator transcends “Uwe Boll Bad.” Those who believe “anyone” can start-to-finish package a horror film, especially “found footage” style, I submit my retort in feature-length form.
Myers’ reanimated narrative begins with a documentary crew in Youngstown, Ohio, hired to shoot a fashion blogger’s – I’m not quite sure. Reality show? Mini-series special? Nina (Lucia Brizzi) catches up with old acquaintances in Youngstown, attending a funeral where she encounters The Colonel (Patrick Kilpatrick). Zombies interrupt afterparty ceremonies (a heavy metal kegger), on account of The Colonel’s nefarious profiteering practices in hopes of offering a cure after the pandemic spreads across America. Then “Zombinator” (Joseph Aviel) appears, fighting back against The Colonel while Nina’s dimwitted squad scrambles for safety.
The more I learn about The Zombinator, the more I’m dumbfounded. A four-and-half day schedule, no screenplay, and zero structure? Myers was “inspired” while on location in Youngstown, initially commissioned by fashion website frockOn.com to film an actual documentary. Legend swears he caught the zombie bug and *needed* to produce The Zombinator in what little downtime became available. “Several members” of frockOn.com signed onto the project in capacities not revealed, but given exceedingly amateur values, color me shocked if they populated the cast and crew. Everyone involved deserves a verbal chew-out from Letterkenny’s “Coach” because The Zombinator is, and I quote, “FUCKIN’ EMBARASSING.”
Without scripted blueprints, au naturale dialogue plays worse than a middle school improv troupe’s on-stage debut. I’ve listened to less ramble-aimless “conversations” on podcasts hosted by intoxicated best friends who think their inside jokes are funnier than “whatever that Marc Maron jabroni considers comedy.” Actors mutter “like” between every sentence, fight one another for dominance within group conversations, stammer nonsense or trail off thoughts, and seem utterly clueless about developing events. Preparedness isn’t just a lifesaver in the zombie apocalypse – it’s also essential when guiding performances beyond “so zombies are outside, action!”
Filmmaking on comparably low budgets isn’t child’s play, nor do I mean to mock the passion behind shoestring indies. “Make your movie,” creative motivators or interviewees preach. The Zombinator’s estimated budget claims around $150K, which is unenviable and pocket change in Hollywood – but Myers’ flummoxing inability to showcase even $10K’s worth of coin on-screen is laughable. Jordan Downey’s The Head Hunter cost a ballpark $30K and puts mythic blockbusters to shame, while The Zombinator can’t compete with 90s era VHS home videos. Locations are an abandoned Youngstown warehouse (too dark to matter), a barren VFW hall lookalike, and a local restaurant or catering space decorated for Christmas that’s used as The Colonel’s hideout. All the background presence of a ghost town awaiting demolition, as Myers squanders financial jackpots many others have miraculously shaped into memorable cinema.
Even worse, conceptualization makes zero contextual sense from the camera crew’s perspective cutting out for random zombie montages to a character’s obsession with her pet zebra. The Zombinator is misunderstanding nonsense, down to the atrocious CGI bullet holes that ignore pellet spray from a shotgun. Effects are 99% animated, Zombinator’s killing sprees included, and when undead walkers bite into flesh, the camera either jostle-blurs or lighting is pitch-black enough to hide whatever gnarliness might exist. In the midst of climactic “horror,” the crew’s sound guy quits – after zombies are proven to exist – and walks off “set” by himself TO NO CONSEQUENCE because he’s over documenting the apocalypse. Every fiber of my being believes he was the real hired boom operator and couldn’t take the torture anymore, but Myers needed filler content.
The Zombinator will perish in dishonorable infamy alongside titles like Cute Little Buggers, The Final Project, and Ahockalypse: my avoid-at-all-costs worst of the worst. Ineptitude and inefficiencies spread like a virus through kindergarten classrooms as no facet of the filmmaking process elevates anything worth championing. Actors are failed by do-it-yourself meaninglessness, cinematography redefines “shaky cam” nausea, and direction drives a clueless vision since no throughline exists. I don’t know why I’m continuing to type words about The Zombinator because none of you have heard about The Zombinator, and that’s with justified reason. Pass on through, weary sifters for golden horror nuggets. There’s nothing for you here.
Flickering Myth Rating – Film: ★ / Movie: ★
Matt spends his after-work hours posting nonsense on the internet instead of sleeping like a normal human. He seems like a pretty cool guy, but don’t feed him after midnight just to be safe (beers are allowed/encouraged). Follow him on Twitter/Instagram/Letterboxd (@DoNatoBomb).
