My Excellent Friends,
Today maybe Valentines and love may be in the air, but to quote Sheila Broflovski, “the world is such a rotten place, and city life is a complete disgrace”. But rather than move to a redneck, meshuggeneh, quiet mountain town like she did, I have opted for a more simple approach – to be excellent.
Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure was released in 1989 right on the cusp of horrid 80s fashions dying out and the Seattle 90s grunge movement coming in. Directed by Stephen Herek, it tells the story of high schoolers Bill S. Preston Esq. and Ted ‘Theodore’ Logan who are about to fail their history exam because they’re spending too much time focusing on their band Wyld Stallyns. The band would be a mega success, but they require the services of Van Halen to improve them – but they need a music video to get Van Halen – but they need to learn how to play to make the music video – which is why they need Van Halen.
On the eve of their oral history report, they are visited by Rufus, a man from the future who tells them that it is imperative that they pass their history report and gives them a telephone booth that can travel through time so that they can learn about the past. You see, Bill and Ted’s music would one day bring balance to the world and stop all wars, creating a most excellent and tranquil world where everyone is excellent to each other (plus, it’s excellent to dance to). Bill and Ted then go on an excellent adventure through time and space to pass their history report.
But, you know all of this. Everyone knows the plot to Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure as well as its sub-par sequel Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey. There is even a third film on the way with both Keanu Reeves and Alex Winter returning to play the roles that made 50% of them known actors. So why am I telling you this?
Because look Bill & Ted. They are happy people. While we live in a world of depressing times and darkness, Bill & Ted live a life where nothing bothers them because they are excellent to each other and those around them. Even when they are killed by evil robot versions of themselves in the afore mentioned inferior sequel, they are still able to crack jokes with Satan, mock Death and beat him at at a game Cluedo (it was Professor Plum). Which is why I have decided to live my life more like Bill & Ted so that I may too go on Excellent Adventures.
How am I going to do this? By following these simple steps:
1. Describing good things as ‘most triumphant’
2. Describing bad things ‘most heinous’
3. Calling really bad things “most non-triumphant”
4. Introducing myself by my full name (including middle name initial) and adding esquire on the end
5. Placing one hand on my chest with my other in the air with a big smile on my face
6. *mini guitar solo*
7. Remember to never do my homework without wearing headphones
8. Saying “no way” if I don’t believe something and saying “yes way” if I do believe it and someone has said “no way” to me.
9. Calling my friends, “my excellent friends” when talking about them and whenever I see them
Finally, and most importantly:
10. Tell people to be “excellent to each other”
There you have it folks. The most excellent and triumphant ten commandments you’ll ever stumble upon. I’d like to think that by living this code, I will live a most non-heinous and harmonious existence.
Be excellent to each other, and, PARTY ON DUDES!
Luke S. Owen Esq is one of the co-editors of Flickering Myth and the host of the Flickering Myth Podcast. You can follow him on Twitter @CGLuke_o.
Originally published February 14, 2013. Updated November 6, 2019.
