Anghus Houvouras with a follow-up to The Five Most Disappointing Films of All Time…
About or year or so ago I put together a little op-ed piece, right around the time I first started writing for Flickering Myth. It was a piece I’d been mulling for a few years: The Five Most Disappointing Films of All Time. I wrote it up, submitted it, and moved on to my next random thought.
In the article’s wake, a debate sprang up about my choices. Some agreed. Some disagreed, while others had their own ideas which films should have made the list. On the one year anniversary of the article I decided to revisit my brazen claims and discuss some of your choices in a piece I like to call:
Return of the Five Most Disappointing Films of All Time.
Who watched the Watchmen? Apparently, everybody….
Favorite quote:
“I think the author was just too lazy to find a fifth movie to blame so he picked that one. I thought Watchmen was great. ” – Witchdoktor
First off, I learned that a lot of people really like Watchmen. A fact that still astonishes me. There is a very loud and very vocal fan base for the Watchmen film that I have alienated. And in truth, I have no problem with that. I went back and watched the film again to make sure I hadn’t made some grievous error. The other four choices on my list were proudly championed as truly terrible. Watchmen was the one choice that seemed to really rub people the wrong way.
Upon another viewing, I decided that I was in fact right all along. Watchmen is a garish, terrible adaptation. Zack Snyder chokes the life out of the film one recreated panel at a time. The acting is wooden. The casting is shallow. And the film only exists to prove Alan Moore right in the fact that the story is best left on the printed panels and pages. I’m always open to the consideration of being incorrect on any number of subjects. However, on Watchmen, I feel satisfied with its inclusion on this list. The art of adaptation involves taking the source material and improving upon it. Not recreating it. Zack Snyder made a predictable adaptation, one with no surprises and brought nothing of his own to the source material. Disappointing. Twenty plus years of potential adaptations in the hands of people like Terry Gilliam and Paul Greengrass, and what we end up with is Zack Snyder pulling a cinematic version of obsessive compulsive disorder with his devotion to the original.
I was also shocked by the number of people who thought this was a “worst film of all time” list and who didn’t understand the entire proposition of the article. These were supposed to be disappointments. Films with huge expectations that were eventually crushed by their shortcomings. I doubt any of these films would make my “worst of all time list”, though The Phantom Menace is always flirting with that possibility.
Based on your reactions, here are your Top Five Most Disappointing Films of All Time:
1. Planet of the Apes (2001)
Hard to argue. Tim Burton’s reboot of the Apes franchise was a wretched, unintentionally hilarious mess. The only thing worse than the actors in awful ape make up were the awful actors not in ape make up. This movie is so terribly put together. A high budget blockbuster that fails at the most elementary levels. Tim Burton has always struggled with traditional mainstream filmmaking. His particular brand of whimsy didn’t work all. And the film contains the most hilariously terrible cliffhanger ending ever.
So why wasn’t it on the list?
I think the key word here is ‘disappointing’. Sure, it’s an awful film. Worthy of any derision and bile spewed in its general direction. But were the expectations that high? Were the original Planet of the Apes films so good that a horrible reboot seemed surprising? From my point of view, this film was highly anticipated but not with the same verve and excitement of the other five entries on the list.
2. Batman & Robin
Do I need to waste any more words on this epic failure? Like Apes, it’s bad. Real bad. Tragically bad. I don’t know if there’s a word in the dictionary that can truly encompass how bad it is.
So why wasn’t it on the list?
I always find Batman & Robin a funny proposition. Batman Forever came out two years earlier with many of the same flourishes employed by director Joel Schumacher. It was over the top, ambiguously strange, and prone to being campy. Batman Forever introduced Batman and Robin ass shots, Bat nipples, and catch phrase spewing villains who leaned more towards to ridiculous than the menacing. So when he pushed Batman & Robin even further into campy territory, why were people so surprised? I suppose that’s the definition of ‘The Most Disappointing’. Batman Forever set the tone for what was to come with Batman & Robin. So I wasn’t exactly surprised. It wasn’t expecting much after Batman Forever, and Schumacher delivered on those diminished expectations.
I mean, come on. Once you heard the words ‘Arnold Schwarzenegger as Mr. Freeze’, were you really expecting something great?
3. Superman Returns
It’s funny how many of these films are comic/geek properties. Superman Returns was pretty bad. More shocking, really. How did Bryan Singer get the most iconic superhero of all time so wrong? His mopey version of Superman and bitchy version of Lois Lane were so off putting. What should have been the Man of Steel’s triumphant return to cinemas turned into a $200 million movie about superhero paternity and Lex Luthor’s weird obsession with real estate.
So why wasn’t it on the list?
Once again I must cite previous films. After Superman III and Superman IV: The Quest for Peace, Superman was tainted goods. Yes, there was some real excitement behind Superman Returns in the build up to release, but it wasn’t like the generational milestone of something like Star Wars. Now if Tim Burton had ever made Superman Lives, that probably would have made the list.
4. The Last Airbender
This one popped up a few times. Again, I have to stress I’m talking about the ‘most disappointing films’, not ‘cinematic abominations’, a list where this film deservedly belongs.
So why wasn’t it on the list?
Apparently none of you saw Lady in the Water or The Happening. If you had any expectations that this movie was going to be good, you deserved to be disappointed.
5. The Matrix Reloaded
After the mad genius that was The Matrix, the Wachowskis took all the goodwill earned from it and doubled down on a pair of sequels that left audiences scratching their heads and generally confused. It was still a blend of over the top martial arts and high minded philosophy. Most people dreaded every scene that took place in the subterranean city of Zion and found that they didn’t care for the expanded world of the Matrix.
So why wasn’t on the list?
It’s hard to not see the disappointment for the Matrix sequels, especially if you look at the financials. The Matrix Reloaded made $750 million worldwide. That’s an impressive number. The Matrix Revolutions made $420 million. That’s over $300 million worth of tickets shed between the two moves, which if you remember were only released six months apart.
Personally, I didn’t think the Matrix sequels were as bad as some people made them out to be, though it would be impossible to suggest that they weren’t epic disappointments. I would almost be willing to indulge that the Matrix sequels could take the place of Watchmen.
Other Films Mentioned:
Alien 3
You’re on crack. Alien 3 is awesome. Fincher is amazing. And I’ll go one further.
Alien 3 > Aliens.
That might be a poke to the hornet’s nest.
Every Harry Potter film
The first two Harry Potter films are terrible. But from Alfonso Cuaron’s third installment forward, this was a pretty solid series. At almost a billion dollars per entry, I’d have a hard time buying that there was any disappointment.
The Lost World: Jurassic Park
Pretty mediocre. A little deflating after the classic original. But I wouldn’t put it in the top five.
So there we have it my friends. Five more major disappointments based on reader feedback. Surely the debate will continue…
Anghus Houvouras
