Anghus Houvouras on the five worst film franchises…
Film franchises are easy targets for writers looking to grind an axe and bemoan the current state of big budget cinema. Like a pinata filled with gold bullion and airplane sized bottles of bourbon, everyone is just a little too eager to take a swing. It’s an easy topic to opine on because of the sheer volume of franchises being produced. They’re growing like weeds planted by studios who hope to create the next cash crop. There are so many terrible franchises in the history of Hollywood. I could spend an entire series of columns detailing cinematic tragedies like Twilight. I mean seriously…. did you sit through any of those Twilight movies? They could have been classified as cruel and unusual punishment under the Geneva Convention.
In an effort to maintain a constructive conversation on the topic, I’m going to keep this discussion focused on current franchises with at least two installments that are still actively producing sequels. With that in mind, here are the five worst film franchises:
1. Transformers
If ever there was a series of films that could be scrubbed for our collective consciousness for the benefit of all mankind, it would surely be Michael Bay’s awkward, cinematically unintelligible adaptations. To be fair, it’s all based on a toy line for eight year olds, something that Bay used as a creative compass throughout four films that could only be appreciated by someone with the emotional maturity of a child and doesn’t understand the concept of racism.
Transformers isn’t just a terrible franchise, it’s an assault on your senses AND our collective sense of decency. Bay has basically made the same movie four times, and people still line up in droves.
2. Pirates of the Caribbean
Remember back when you first saw Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the Black Pearl and marvelled at how much it was? An old school, swashbuckling adventure featuring Johnny Depp as the manic, over the top Captain Jack Sparrow in a performance that would make him the biggest star in the world. Remember the follow ups? Those complicated, rudderless sequels that showed how difficult it was to capture lightning in a bottle repeatedly.
Do you then remember the fourth installment? Yes, there was a fourth installment It was called On Stranger Tides and it was terrible. They’re making a fifth Pirates of the Caribbean, praying that audiences are still interested in seeing Depp doing his Captain Jack soft shoe for two and a half hours. Pirates of the Caribbean is such a deflating franchise, because it really was a one trick pony that Disney seems hell-bent on beating to death.
3. Die Hard
Unlike Pirates of the Caribbean, Die Hard was at least able to capture some of the magic of the legendary original in its first few sequels+. Die Hard 2: Die Harder is the second best sequel name of all time (the first being Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo). Die Hard With a Vengeance is a lot of fun, especially when you’re watching the television edit. Like the scene where John McClane wanders into Harlem wearing a sign intended to piss off the locals. The TV edit digitally alters the sign to read “I hate everybody”. Hilarious.
20th Century Fox decided to dust off the Die Hard franchise and gave us the tepid Live Free or Die Hard, a generic action movie that didn’t feel connected to the earlier movies. Not satisfied with just disappointing fans of the series, they doubled down with A Good Day to Die Hard, one of the worst movies ever made.
The Die Hard franchise feels well past the expiration date and is smelling more rotten with each subsequent installment.
4. X-Men/Wolverine
I imagine this will be a controversial choice, but the X-Men films and their disparity in terms of quality and coherency are a mirror to what Marvel has been doing with the properties they didn’t hastily sell the rights to during the lean years. The first X-Men movie is a mess. Something that seems to get glossed over because of the casting. Everyone loves Ian McKellen, Patrick Stewart, and Hugh Jackman enough to forget that the plot centers around an overly complicated magic machine that turns people into mutants and a replica Statue of Liberty torch because… it’s symbolic?
X2: X-Men United is often cited as one of the best comic book adaptations, while X-Men: The Last Stand is considered one of the worst. The series was in such dire straits that Fox tried to capitalize on its most popular character, Wolverine, with a tragic solo film (X-Men Origins: Wolverine) and an, at best, average follow-up (The Wolverine). Somewhere in between the two they attempted to relaunch the series with the criminally overpraised X-Men: First Class. X-Men: Days of Future Past was a solid film, and for my money the best in the history of the franchise.
Even if you like the X-Men movies, you’d be hard pressed to argue how all over the place the series has been. Fox managed to ruin some of the best story arcs like The Phoenix Saga, and great characters like Cyclops were given almost nothing to do while Wolverine gets an insane amount of focus.
While there seems to be promise for the X-Men films going forward, they represent what happens when a studio mismanages a franchise.
5. Insidious
Horror film franchises are nothing new. The 1980’s was 37% horror sequels. For the love of God they made nine Nightmare on Elm Street movies and 10 Friday the 13th’s. They were so bereft of ideas that they eventually shot Jason into space. Unfortunately the modern era of horror is far less interesting. Instead of R rated melty-faced dream killers and machete wielding monsters we have PG-13 ghosts and jump scares. Unfortunately, as cheaply as they are to produce, I’m guessing we’re going to be getting a few more Insidious movies.
There you have it. The five worst active film franchises. Is this a fair assessment, or are there other franchises more deserving of the moniker?
Anghus Houvouras is a North Carolina based writer and filmmaker and the co-host of Across the Pondcast. Follow him on Twitter.
https://youtu.be/uysEOQl_NPc?list=PL18yMRIfoszEaHYNDTy5C-cH9Oa2gN5ng
